A day after President Donald J. Trump randomly shot three people on Manhattan’s Fifth Avenue, leading Replications rallied to his defense.
“They were terrorists,” Senator Lindsay Graham stated. “We have definite proof that they were all New Yorkers.” Asked if all New Yorkers were terrorists, Graham replied, “Where did 911 happen?”
“When the President shot three proven terrorists, he was not only acting in self-defense. He also foiled their plot to bomb the nearby Trump Tower,” Senator Ted Cruz said. “All three were wearing suicide vests. They deliberately exploded the vests as they were shot to destroy this evidence.”
“Trump courageously fulfilled a campaign promise. Hard-working Americans voted for him understanding that he would shoot people on Fifth Avenue,” Rep. Devin Nunes said. “Trump also demonstrated that he is not afraid to exercise his second amendment rights.”
“Get over it,” Chief of Staff Mike Mulvaney added.
The President himself tweeted, “Three people in three shots. I was perfect. It was beautiful, incredible, amazing. I hope Vladimir will be impressed”
However, videos of the killings reveal that Trump fired at least 16 shots. “The video is fake news. As Groucho Marx said, ’Who are going to believe? Me or your own eyes?’” White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham said. “The President is the best marksman since Billy the Kid. The President could have single-handedly won the Vietnam war were he not hobbled by bone spurs.”
Despite the video and Trump’s tweet, Fox News reported that Trump was not even present during the shootings. “Look closely at the video and you will see that killer was Nancy Pelosi in drag,” Tucker Carlson said. “An LGBTQ ISIS cell in Seattle supplied Pelosi with makeup, firearms and an ill-fitting size 50 suit for her mission.”
An hour later Sean Hannity charged that Hunter Biden was the actual killer. “This all goes back to the Ukrainian plot to interfere with our 2016 election and frame Russia, to the DNC server Joe Biden gave to the Burisma Group, the FISA warrant, the Steele Dossier, the savage LGTBQ ISIS militia in Seattle, the Black Sox scandal of 1919, and Cain slaying Abel,” Hannity said. “This is bigger than Watergate. This is bigger than Pearl Harbor. Someone should investigate. Are you listening Attorney General Barr?”
Attorney General William Barr announced that he would immediately investigate reports that the Third Armored Division of the LGBTQ ISIS Army had invaded West Seattle.
Barr added that he could neither investigate nor indict a sitting President. “The President cannot be distracted by fake news murder allegations. He needs to keep working on another tax cut for the rich that will make all hard-working Americans better off.”
Leading Democrat presidential candidates were quick to criticize Trumps’ actions. Bernie Sanders called the killings, “An inevitable consequence of capitalism,” while Elizabeth Warren issued an $80 billion plan to “deter and impede murder by billionaires through intensive counseling and meditation.” Warren said her plan would not increase taxes on the middle class but would be financed by confiscating Van Cleef & Arpels Vintage Alhambra Brooches and Patek Philippe Nautilus Ladies watches from women whose net worth exceeds $2,775,000.
The Biden campaign said they expected to release a statement within hours after the Vice President awakes from his nap.